


Heart to Break

by SamSnak



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Gay Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Zaeed Massani/Male Shepard, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Rimming, Shepard (Mass Effect) is Bad at Feelings, Shepard fucks instead of dealing with his emotions, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-02-08 16:30:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18626980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamSnak/pseuds/SamSnak
Summary: Shepard is an emotionally stunted, lecherous asshole, but Kaidan falls for him anyway. This follows their relationship over the course of the trilogy. Cannon-compliant. Main pairing is Kaidan and Shepard, with Shepard sad-fucking his way through the events of Mass Effect 2.Non-Con tag is for a mention of Shepard's past where he was victimized. Shepard also does a lot of agonizing over the ethics of sleeping with a direct subordinate, even one who consents, so you might want to read with caution if that's something that bothers you.





	1. Chapter 1

For a fraction of a second, Kaidan is sure he's a dead man. Seemingly out of nowhere, a juggernaut materializes and launches a rocket. His stomach has barely had time to finish its descent before Shepard snatches him out of the way and gets them both behind cover.

Kaidan’s a little flabbergasted from the experience, and he looks to his Commander for orders. He still has both hands on Kaidan’s shoulders, keeping him pinned to the concrete wall, as he scowls and looks around the corner to watch the Geth advance on them. He’s an imposing presence, and not just because of his height, although he’s several inches taller than Kaidan, who is himself not a short man.

Now, Shepard is close, close enough that Kaidan can smell him. He can smell the metal of his armor, smell the fresh sweat from exertion and adrenaline, smell the gum that Shepard had been grinding into submission before they left the Normandy. Kaidan can see the fine details of his face this close. The stubble that the Commander tends to keep looks rough. He imagines it scratching against his face as the he kisses him. He can really see the deep, jagged scar that stretches from his left ear to the corner of his mouth, a momento from a Batarian slaver who’d gotten too close. Shepard had once confided in him that the scar made him self-conscious, and Kaidan had stupidly blurted out that he didn’t need to be, before stumbling over a few more words and quickly adding a “Sir”.

Shepard’s eyebrows are still knitted into a scowl as he peers around the corner, “How far do you think you can toss that big one, Alenko?”

Kaidan’s relieved to have something to focus on other than scars and testosterone, and he ends up throwing it pretty far. Farther than he thinks he’s ever managed before. His biotics, once uncontrollable and unpredictable, have matured fairly well into a weapon he’s almost as comfortable with as his gun.

The Commander claps him on the shoulder, “Good work. Let’s move out.”

The rest of their mission goes relatively smoothly, at least until its abrupt end, which lands Shepard in the medbay with Kaidan keeping watch closeby. Kaidan is mentally berating himself as he watches Dr. Chakwas examine Shepard again, “How is he looking, Doctor?’

“His vital signs are strong, and I’m reading brain activity resembling dreaming. He should be fine, Lieutenant. Try not to worry yourself.”

Hours drag by, but finally Shepard sits up with a groan and swings his legs over the side of the table.

“Ah, he’s awake now. Take it easy, Commander. You were out for quite a while.” Dr. Chakwas brings Shepard up to speed. She graciously gives Kaidan more credit than he deserves for bringing Shepard back, since it was, after all, his carelessness that had landed Shepard in the Medbay to begin with.

“Thanks for bringing me back. I appreciate it.”

“It was my fault, Commander. I got too close to that thing and you had to pull me out of the way.”

“You had no way of knowing what would happen.”

He’d fully expected Shepard to tear into him. That’s just his leadership style. As Joker had once said, “He gets the job done because he always has that huge stick up his ass to beat people to death with.”

Jenkins once told him that Shepard must have a soft spot for him, “He never yells at you for fuckups,”

“I don’t fuck up,” the memory makes his throat tight. Poor kid. He really has for force himself to bite back the tears when Captain Anderson comes in and he knows that he’s dismissed. He salutes dutifully and goes to the mess hall to try to make himself useful.

Kaidan’s leaning over a console when he hears a familiar voice, “Lieutenant, you’re tech-savy, right?”

“I know my way around an omnitool, sir.”

“Perfect. Mine stopped powering on,” Shepard extends his arm in front of him to allow him access to his omnitool, and he’s close enough that Kaidan swears he can feel the heat radiating off of him. Shepard’s forearms are as impressive as the rest of him. Muscular, but not ostentatiously so, with prominent veins that have grown to keep up with the intense demand from his muscles, and a generous dusting of dark hair.

Kaidan goes through the most obvious first step to troubleshoot. He’s sure that it’s a waste of time, because of course Shepard already tried that. He’s surprised when Shepard’s omnitool sounds its musical wake up tone and blinks back to life.

“You’ve fixed it. I appreciate the help, Lieutenant,” the corner of his mouth turns up ever so slightly, “Of course, now that I know you can fix it, you’re going to be the one I always bother for help. You probably should have feigned ignorance.”

Kaidan laughs, “Let’s hope your omnitool doesn’t need that much attention, Commander,” Shepard gives him a small nod and half-smile, and turns away to go about the rest of his business. Shepard might not be a tech expert, sure. He’s a soldier by training, after all, but he’s certainly no idiot. Kaidan lets himself imagine, for a few moments, that Shepard just wanted an excuse to talk to him and get closer. Of course, he insists to himself, that’s not the case. But does he resolve to take much longer to fix it next time, if Shepard’s omnitool ever mysteriously stops working again.


	2. Chapter 2

“Shepard, I have a few contacts in C-Sec who owe me some favors. If you give me some time I shake some of them down,”

“Sounds like a plan. You need help?” He cracks his knuckles.

“I don’t think so, but I’ll let you know if I need someone to put the screws to them,”

He gives Garrus an affable nod and the turian walks towards the C-Sec office. That leaves him alone with Kaidan. His attraction towards his lieutenant is inconvenient. He wants him, wants _in_ him, wants those honey eyes staring up at him through those thick lashes as he fucks that pretty mouth. But he’s not about to try to fuck one of his subordinates. Fraternization is one thing, but predation is another.

No matter his feelings, the kid is a good soldier, and his biotics are impressive. He’s an invaluable asset, but it’s a frustrating relationship. He’s not used to the feeling of not getting what he wants.

The flirting is fun, and mostly harmless, even if it does drive him crazier, “Want to get lunch while we wait? My treat.”

Kaidan smiles, “Yeah, but you don’t have to buy,”

He waves a hand, “That’s alright. I was on a Lieutenant’s salary not long ago. I remember how much you make,” even when he’s being nice he’s still an asshole, but Kaidan laughs.

It’s more than a little wreckless that he leads Kaidan to his favorite cafe. It’s a busy, bustling place that’s always packed, but it lets him get lost in the crowd. No one recognizes him here, and no one gives him a side-eye when he brings his latest flings here to eye-fuck over lunch. He tries to remind himself that this is not of those cases.

“So, tell me about Vancouver,” he says after they've sat down.

“Oh, it’s beautiful. My parents have a place there overlooking the English Bay. My dad used to take me fishing there,” he smiles at the memory. Shepard smiles back. He likes seeing him happy, but he honestly cannot relate to the feeling of paternal affection.

“What about you, Commander? You grew up on earth, right?”

He forces a smile. The city was hot and overpopulated. It was squalid and run down, and he’d joined one of the gangs when he was a young teenager. He didn’t have many fond memories of the place, “Yeah, Miami was...busy. Never a dull moment, at least.”

He tries to change the subject, “Any other hobbies with your dad? Baseball? You like hockey in Canada, right?”

Kaidan chuckles, “Yeah, we liked to ice skate. I never got into playing, but my dad took me to games all the time when he was home from Alliance tours,” Kaidan’s parents sound exactly how Shepard had imagined them, kind and clean-cut, just like the man they’d raised. “What about you, Sir? Were your parents Alliance?”

He’s never met his birth parents, and he has no idea whether or not there was some other asshole walking around out there with his name. It’s an old, well-healed wound, but in his experience, it's best to gloss over the _orphan_ thing when you’re trying to impress someone. It tends to be a real downer. No one likes to hear that you spent your teens giving 10 credit blowjobs and committing petty crimes, “No, but I joined up as soon as I turned 18. Best decision I ever made,” and that was no lie. The decisions he’d made up until that point were borne of survival, but looking back on it, he’s lucky he didn’t end up murdered.

He’s certain that Kaidan picks up on his non-answer answer—he’s a clever guy—but he doesn’t push the issue anymore.  

The two of them order. Kaidan orders a steak sandwich and a Canadian lager (Shepard can’t help but grin at that; honestly, he’s almost too pure for him), and he orders a Thessian Sushi platter with wine. While they eat, his omnitool blinks at him, nagging him about an update, “Damn thing,” he mutters.

“Just update it,” he shrugs, “It only takes a minute and it’s an important security update.”

He winks at him, “Well, if it breaks again, I know someone I can take it to,” Kaidan smiles again and turns a bright red—and god damn if that doesn’t make Shepard want him more.

The thing about Kaidan is, and he hasn't yet decided if it's good or bad, that he's really and truly smitten with him. He makes it a habit not to get to know most of the men he has sex with. It's simpler for everyone involved if they fuck and forget about each other. Shepard realized a long time ago that he would probably die violently and tragically young, and he doesn't think it fair to inflict that on someone else. He’d had exactly one serious relationship: three years ago, a bartender with green eyes and a wicked smile. It ended in disaster, and he’s self-aware enough to realize that it was his own fault.

But Kaidan. Damn. He’s gorgeous, obviously, but more than that, he's charming. Bright. A little uptight, but what Alliance officer isn't? He's easy to talk to. Interesting. Shepard doesn't even spend the better part of their lunch fantasizing about railing him.

“Thanks for lunch, Commander. It was a nice break from mess hall food,” he’s smiling at him.  Shepard’s done this enough times with enough men to be capable of reading this. Wine, dine, and fuck. If this were any other man, if this weren’t his subordinate, he’d already have his tongue in his mouth and his hands full of that sweet ass. He’s almost certain he could get this to go his way. He suspects that his Lieutenant has developed a crush on him—he hasn’t missed those doe-eyed looks he gets.

 _Let me tongue that tight little starfish of yours and we’ll call it even,_ is what he wants to say. _Predator,_ a nasty voice accuses him. Instead, “Anytime, Lieutenant.”


	3. Chapter 3

It’s a few days and a fruitless appeal to the council later, and Kaidan has been able to reign in his most explicit thoughts about his CO. The stakes to this mission are becoming obvious, and he can’t allow his feelings to jeopardize anything.

Shepard has gotten into the habit of having these little chats with Kaidan. Kaidan likes having his attention, even if he’s sure that the friendliness is just part of Shepard being a good CO. Looking at Shepard gives him an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. Not a bad one, to be sure, but one that makes him a little nervous and puts him on edge. He’s not sure if it’s because the Commander, with his austere demeanor and impressive service record, is an intimidating man, or because he keeps picturing himself underneath Shepard, pinned in place by rough hands on his hips and a piercing gaze.

“How’s your family?” Even now, with Shepard just a foot away, he’s finding it hard to focus on the Commander’s questions. Kaidan knows, logically, that he’s only being friendly. Just trying to keep morale up. Shepard said it himself. He likes knowing who’s watching his back.

His broad, muscled back.

“My parents are good. Enjoying retirement,” he answers, pulling his thoughts back, “What about you, Commander? A wife back home?”

“No. It makes Alliance life a little easier,” he pauses and expels air in a humorless laugh, “I was almost engaged once. I got dumped the day I was planning on proposing,” he crosses his arms in what looks to be a protective gesture. Kaidan makes a note to avoid the subject.

“I’m sorry to hear that. She didn’t want the Alliance wife lifestyle?”

“No, he didn’t. And I can’t really say I blame him. I’m gone more than home.”

While Kaidan’s original question was certainly intended to fish for information, he’s happily surprised at what he’d gotten. “That must have been tough to go through,” he almost stops himself, but he ends up adding, “Well, that was his loss, Commander.”

Shepard gives him a lopsided grin, one that Kaidan returns as his heart skips a few beats.

“Do you get this close to all your subordinates, Sir?”

“No, just the ones I have to save from rocket launchers.”

He laughs, “Fair enough. Thanks again for that, by the way.”

“Any time, Lieutenant. I’ll let you get back to it. We’ll talk more later.”

“Yes, Sir. I’d like that.”

 

*°*

 

Watching Shepard “bludgeon” his way through problems is pretty hot.

“You’re a bean counter, Jong. I’m a Spectre. Tell me, how good are those odds?” John is kind of an asshole, there’s no denying that, but Kaidan would be lying if he said that his dick wasn’t straining the inside of his armor after that exchange.

Future of the colony secured. Shepard does good work. All that’s left is to deal with the Thorian, whatever that meant.

The three of them are crammed into the tiny cockpit of the Mako. The Alliance vehicle wasn’t built for comfort, of course, but it could fit three humans comfortably. Two humans and one krogan is another matter.

Shepard is in the driver’s seat, naturally, focused on the task at hand, his eyebrows knitted together. Wrex is nearest the exit, checking his shotgun, which leaves Kaidan in the middle, doing his best to copilot while his shoulders are being folded together. It’s not an arrangement he particularly hates. After all, half of his dreams involve him and Shepard in close quarters. Sans krogan, of course.

At first, Kaidan was weary of the Krogan mercenary. It’s hard not to expect a bullet in the back when you’re running around with someone who’s only loyal to his next paycheck, but the two of them have developed a begrudging respect for one another. Wrex for Kaidan’s biotics, and Kaidan for Wrex’s ability to headbutt anyone who threatens them.

Shepard takes Wrex on most missions. They seem to understand each other on some level. They're both men of few words, answering most questions and requests as succinctly as possible, and answering in monosyllabic grunts whenever possible.

Kaidan has been on every mission the Commander has run. Shepard seemed to be unwilling to leave the ship without his “biotic shadow” as Ashley had teasingly phrased it. When Kaidan asked him why, Shepard shrugged and gave him a vague, “I like watching you toss things around.” But Kaidan isn’t complaining. It beats the hell out of waiting around on the ship, plus he really, really likes watching Shepard melee geth.

He’s driving them through the broken skyway, back towards the colony on Feros, stopping occasionally to have a firefight with the geth they encounter.

“Humans talk too much. I want to shoot something,” Wrex complains. The Mako comes to a stop outside of the gate and shakes as he jumps out.

“I agree,” Shepard says, climbing out behind him and wiping the dust off his hands and reaching for his gun, “We aren’t going to save this colony by talking about it,” Kaidan climbs out too, lifting his barrier and pulling out his gun.

“What are our orders, Commander? The colonists might be hostile.”

“Saren is here for that Thorian, so I want it first. We can’t let the colonists get in our way,” his face is blank, unreadable, and his tone was flat.

Kaidan wants to argue. He wants to insist that they can do both, but the Commander’s tone and his use of his rank makes it clear that he’s not looking for a debate, “Aye aye,”

Shepard hits the button to open the gate with more force than is necessary. The three of them get rushed by more creepers, but Kaidan tosses them across the field before Shepard even has time to lineup a shot.

Bullets start flying at them, one glancing off his barrier and one hitting Shepard’s shield, and the three of them dash behind the nearest cover. Kaidan’s stomach drops at the implication of being shot at: they’re going to be forced to kill civilians.

Shepard lobs one of the nerve grenades at the colonists, and, fortunately, the group of them fall.

Kaidan sighs, relieved, and scans the battle field, “Looks like we’re all clear, Commander,”

“Good, let’s move out,” He stands, and the three of them jog towards the elevator to get to the heart of the colony. Wrex and Shepard pile in first. He’s a few steps behind when a hand grabs the back of his neck, clawing at him and scratching the skin there.

“Shit,” he yelps, turning as quickly as he can. His pistol is already in his hand, and he thinks he can get a shot off faster than he can summon a biotic punch, so he grips his pistol harder, ready to put it against the creeper’s head and blow it away.

But it’s not a creeper. It’s a colonist. One of the ones they’d spoken to earlier. The man who had been grieving over a sick wife is now clutching at his neck, trying to separate the skin from his face. Kaidan pushes him away, fruitlessly, and the man stumbles backwards, before righting himself and advancing towards Kaidan again.

A loud shot rings throughout the bunker, and suddenly the groans of the colonist are cut short. The volume is the same, but it’s singularity seems to make it echo and reverberate even louder than before in the small bunker. Kaidan sees the moment the bullet enters the man’s head. Watches his face contort in pain before finally relaxing, twitching, and going pale as the blood pours from the wound, leaving in spurts timed to a failing heart. He watches as the body goes limp and tumbles to the ground. That was a civilian. A sentient being with hopes, and dreams, and loved ones.

And Shepard—

Shepard shot him dead. He didn’t even hesitate. Kaidan becomes aware of how horrified he must look, and makes himself close his mouth.

“Let’s go, Alenko,” He says, face still in a neutral mask, as he stowes his pistol at his side again. Kaidan silently joins them on the elevator.

 

*°*

 

By the time they’re done, four colonists and the Thorian are dead, all by Shepard’s hand. To his credit, the Commander used the gas grenades when he could, and Kaidan is immensely grateful that he was never forced to kill any of them himself.

Shepard had looked a little weak after the Asari melded with his mind, and Kaidan is surprised at how easy it is to walk away after helping him to the medbay. He wants to be alone, to process what he’d seen. The whole thing makes him nervous, makes his hands twitch, so he goes to busy himself with something.

Hours later, Kaidan’s working on his console when Shepard comes up to him, “Lieutenant,” he says.

“Hey, Shepard,” He stops what he’s doing to look at him. He looks tired, dark circles surrounding his eyes, still drained from the mind meld.

“How are you feeling?” Shepard asks him. He’s always so hard to read, but especially now. Kaidan wonders if he’s upset with him for earlier, whether the Commander had sensed just how much he hated watching him kill those colonists. He’s still not sure how he feels about it, himself.

“I’m alright. Biotics are good. How about you?”

“I’m fine. I just wanted to talk to you about what happened on Feros,” and there it is. Shepard’s known as a hard ass for a reason, and no decent CO would allow a subordinate to second guess their decisions.

“Yes, Sir,” Kaidan stands up straight, and stops himself just short of saluting.

Shepard shakes his head, “At ease,” he rubs the back of his neck and looks away, “I—uh, I didn’t want to kill those colonists,” he says bluntly, and since when did the Commander explain himself to anyone?

Kaidan’s not sure how to respond to that. He’s been chewed out by CO’s before. Not often, but enough times that he knows how to handle it, how to stand there and take it. This is new territory. He nods slowly, “I’m not second guessing you,”

“I know—I just wanted you to know that it’s not something I did lightly,” he stands there for a moment, and Kaidan feels like he should say something reassuring. Even if he has to keep their relationship platonic, he genuinely likes Shepard, and he doesn’t like seeing such a strong man look so unsure.

“Of course, Shepard,” is all he can come up with.

The Commander nods, “Okay, then. I’ll let you get back to your duties.”


	4. Chapter 4

Things have been awkward between the two of them since Shepard had botched their conversation after Feros. He’s never apologized for his actions before, and he doesn’t regret killing the colonists on Feros, but he has this pathological need for Kaidan’s approval, and the horrified look Kaidan had given him after he shot the first one made him sick.

They’d just docked the ship on the Citadel. She needed a little work done, and his crew had earned a break, anyway. He’s in the ship’s core, climbing over neatly organized crates. There’s a storage locker in here, but it’s in the back corner of the room. Captain Anderson’s message said that there was an assault rifle in there that he’d like, one that was old and left over from his own days as an almost-Spectre. Shepard lives for guns, and if Anderson said it was a good one, it was worth digging out. This is the perfect time to do it, too. The core would be powered off for the next few hours, so he had time to get in and get out before it powers back on.

It’s a small obstacle course to get back there, but it’s fun, if he’s being honest. He’s enjoying jumping from crate to crate, and it’s a short trip back before he’s reached the end. It’s a short leap down, from last set of crates stacked two high, and he finally reaches his prize. There, against the wall, is the row of lockers Anderson described. He punches in the code he’d given him, and the door opens up, revealing the stash of guns.

It’s beautiful. It’s a heavy, firm, familiar weight in his hands. He looks down the sights, and they’re sharp and precise. Anderson said that it packs a punch, but that it still manages to stay on target. He can’t wait to fire it. Grinning, he closes the locker and clutches the precious weight closer. He needs to remember to send Anderson a thank you note.

He jogs back to the crates he’d jumped down from, ready to get the hell out of here and get himself to a shooting range on the Citadel. He looks up, reaching, and realizes that the top of it is out of his grasp. He stands on his toes, reaching as high as he can, and his fingertips still only barely brush the edge. He jumps, and still comes up short.

No problem. It’s just like the wall scaling back in basic training. He takes a few steps back, gets himself a running start at the crates, jumping and kicking a foot out to gain purchase against the side and get himself an extra few inches. It would have worked, but the surface of the crates are smooth metal, and the sole of his boots slides right off.

“Well, fuck,” he says out loud, as the realization hits him. He’s gotten himself stuck in here.

Garrus is the first name that comes to mind. Reliable, a good friend. He’ll tease him for getting himself stuck, sure, but he’ll probably promise to keep his mouth shut about the whole thing if he promises to share Anderson’s weapon stash.

He fires up his omnitool and pulls up Garrus’s name, and shoots him a quick message.

 _Message Undeliverable_ , the error message pops up immediately. Right. The Extranet coverage is spotty this close to the ship’s core, even powered off. Short range communication is going to be his only option. He just needs someone who’s still on the ship.

He looks up Wrex. Away, His status reads.

Tali. _Away_.

Liara. _Away_.

Ashley. _Away_.

Kaidan. _Available_.

“Of course,” he grits his teeth. Maybe Kaidan’s fighting off a migraine. He considers waiting until someone else comes back, but there’s no telling if that will be before the drive core comes back on and vaporizes him. It might be preferable to facing Kaidan right now.

Sighing, he sends him a message. He half-hopes that he won’t answer, but he gets a response almost instantly.

_I’ll make sure the techs know not to let the core be powered up. On my way._

He sits, and tries to make himself comfortable as he waits. He tries to consider what to say to him, or even if he should say something about it. Apologize for avoiding him the past few days. 

He still hasn't made his mind up by the time Kaidan leans over the edge he couldn’t reach, laughing when he sees him, “Hey, Shepard. Need a hand?” It seems the Lieutenant is just as happy to not talk about it, so he tries to pretend everything is normal. Kaidan reaches down, offering him his hand. Shepard presses the rifle into it first, “Really?” He chuckles, but takes it anyway.

Shepard nods, “That’s the whole reason I came down here,” he inclines his head towards the locker, “There’s a nice gun in it for you if you keep this a secret,” he truly didn’t mean the double entendre, but Kaidan flushes and Shepard kind of wishes he’d just shot himself with the rifle when he had the chance.

It’s still a little awkward, he can feel the tension between the two of them, but Kaidan mercifully doesn’t comment on it. He reaches down again, and this time Shepard takes his hand, gripping tight. Kaidan glows blue, and his whole body tingles as he’s biotically lifted.

He helps him to his feet on top of the crate, and he stumbles forward a little, into his arms, “Those biotics come in handy, huh?” He awkwardly jokes. His face is inches away.

Kaidan’s eyes flash to his lips and linger, just for a moment. Shepard knows exactly what he wants, exactly what he’s asking him for. He’s spent more time than he likes to admit thinking about just how soft those lips look, and the temptation to lean forward and capture them with his own, with Kaidan all but asking him for it, is too much. His cock is starting to swell, and if he pursues this line of thinking much more he’ll have to hide an erection.

It occurs to him that Kaidan could have lifted him up entirely biotically. Touching him was unnecessary.

He needs to back up, needs to put some distance between the two of them. He’s close enough that he can make out the biotic’s individual eyelashes, the short stubble along his jaw, the freckles that he wants to kiss over his eyebrow, close enough that they’re practically sharing the same air. He backs up, a half a step, but Kaidan puts a hand on his shoulder, heavy and warm, and he knows it’s all over for him.

He’ll look back on this moment years later, and he won’t be sure who made the first move, but Kaidan’s lips are every bit as soft as he’d imagined. The man moans against his mouth, a deep, rumbling sound that goes straight to his cock, and Shepard lets a hand wander to his hair. His fingers tangle into the silky strands as his tongue slips into his mouth.

Kaidan’s hands grip his biceps and squeeze, appreciating them, so Shepard subtly flexes. He chuckles, “You don’t have to try to impress me,” a quick kiss, “I’m already impressed,”

Shepard smiles, wrapping an arm around his back and pulling him closer, “I’m glad,” he says against his lips, and continues to kiss him. He really, really wants to grab his ass, he’s fantasized about burying his face in it for weeks now, but he’s afraid that’s too much. He decides that he’s going to let Kaidan dictate how far this goes, because if he had his way, he’d be riding his cock right now. So he slides a hand down his back, forcing himself to stop and settle in the small of his back.

Suddenly, Kaidan pulls away, lips red and parted. He doesn’t know why, and the stupid, caveman part of his brain wants to grab him again, but he stops himself, taking a deep breath to calm himself down.

He’s doing pretty well until he notices Kaidan stealing a glance at his crotch. He can feel his erection still pressing into his pants. He glances down, and the outline of his cock is pretty apparent. He wants to adjust it, but grabbing his dick seems too crass, even though he and his Lieutenant were just dry humping each other. Kaidan isn’t doing much better, he realizes. He wants to drop to his knees and mouth at the hard outline of his dick.

He balls his hands at his sides, entirely to keep them to himself, and looks back to the other man’s face. Kaidan runs his hands up his sides, still staring at his crotch, and asks, “Can we go back to your quarters?”

He takes his hand, pulling him along to start climbing back. He swears that the return trip is longer than the initial one, but he supposes he didn’t have a raging erection and Kaidan’s tight ass tempting him as they help each other back.

They’re finally, finally, back at the entrance, and Kaidan turns, holding his face and pressing a quick kiss to his lips before hitting the button to open the door. They’re both so focused on each other that Kaidan barely avoids running into Garrus, who’s right on the other side of the door.

“Hey, Shepard. I got your message. But it looks like you found someone else to give you a hand,”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops this chapter is entirely PWP

Kaidan slips away from the two of them, grinning at Shepard and muttering something about a migraine. Garrus gives him a great deal more grief than he’d expected. There’s more than one comment about “helping hands” and how flushed humans get when they’re caught red handed.

Kaidan is in his quarters when he gets back. He’s dressed in his fatigues, and his hair is tousled into place, still damp from his shower. He stands from the chair as soon as he enters, smiling at him.

“Just abandoned me to my fate, huh?” Shepard smiles at him, leaning against the doorway and crossing his arms.

Kaidan laughs, “I hope I’m not intruding here,” he grins. Shepard’s across the room in a moment, kissing him. He’s done with pretending that he can deny himself this. He knows he can’t, not with him standing there, looking like he walked out of a wet dream, so supple and muscular. He knows he can’t deny him, so he pulls his shirt off instead, stooping down to bite his collarbone. His nipples are tight and pert, and Kaidan moans when licks one, long and flat before twirling the tip of his tongue around it.

It would take a better man than him to reject him, to tell him to stop as he drops to his knees and pulls out his cock. To rebuke him for being unprofessional as he says, “Shit,” impressed, when he takes out the full length and wraps a hand around it. To insist that it’s inappropriate for him to put his lips around the tip, sucking, honeyed eyes staring up at him through those thick lashes, just like he’d imagined they would.

He knows that he should tell him to stop, to apologize for taking advantage of his station, to send him to bed with his own frustrated erection and swollen lips. But his hair is soft, it’s damp silk between his fingers as he strokes it, and Kaidan hums at the attention, his eager mouth vibrating around his cock.

His mouth is so soft. It’s hot, and wet. He lets him take it at his own pace. He refuses to move, to fuck his face like his hips want to. Instead he focuses on his hair, which is so thick, it’s black curls running through his fingers as Kaidan swallows him down.

He pulls back to the tip, swirling his tongue over the head and jacking him. Shepard mutters his name, adoringly. He doesn’t mean for it to come out like a prayer, but the sound of it makes Kaidan take him down again, hollowing out his cheeks and sucking. He lets out a long moan as the tip touches the back of his throat, and Kaidan chokes on it.

Shepard’s close already. The pleasure builds in his gut, his balls tightening and his cock becoming more sensitive as Kaidan sucks him. He’s got both hands in his hair and his allows himself one, two shallow thrusts into the soft heat.

He won’t ask him to swallow. What he really wants is to give him a facial, to mark his perfect, sculpted features with his come. He wants to claim him, to watch his thick jizz roll its way down his smooth skin. Kaidan–good, model soldier Lieutenant Alenko—would let him, would kneel there and take it. He’d probably even open his mouth for it. He does open his mouth, in fact, when Shepard pulls back and strokes himself, just a few times, before finishing on his chest, groaning his name.

He leans back onto his feet, smiling up at him and palming his cock through his pants. Shepard bends down, dragging him to his feet and kissing him again, grabbing him by the hips and walking him backwards towards the bed. He pushes him backwards, staring down at him as Kaidan leans back on his elbows.

Shepard makes short work of his pants and boots, tossing them across the room and drinking in Kaidan’s naked form. He’s tight, lean muscle, and John indulges himself by running his hands down over his tight abs, down his thighs. Kaidan pants, spreading his legs to let him crawl between them.

If Shepard’s taking advantage, he might as well get what he really wants.

Kaidan is flushed, his face and chest scarlet, both from his arousal and the feeling of vulnerability. Shepard cups the backs of his knees, guiding his legs to spread wider and his hips to flex. He lets him, lets Shepard fold him in half, lets him expose him. Kaidan is obedient in this, just like he’s obedient in all things, and he keeps his legs folded, holding his legs open.

He licks him once, a long, broad stripe over the tight ring of muscle. Kaidan is a methodical, immaculate man, and that apparently extends here, too. His whole body quivers in response, and he lets out a low moan.

Shepard kneels on the bed, burying his face and feeling on a deep level that having his mouth pressed between his Lieutenant’s spread legs, pleasuring this beautiful man, is where he was always meant to be. Like his entire life had built up to the moment he finally gets to rim Kaidan Alenko.

Plenty of the people in the gang that he used to run with did drugs. He’d seen plenty of people strung out on red sand, and someone once told him that first hit of heroin was an unimaginable euphoria, and people spent the rest of their lives chasing that high. He’d never done any drugs, himself, but he wonders vaguely if Kaidan is his heroin. He can’t imagine ever getting enough of this, ever getting enough of him, as he’s moaning expletives, begging him to keep going as he eats him out. He’s tugging his cock faster and faster as Shepard tongues his sac, sucking one of his balls into his mouth.

The long licks against his hole with a flat tongue make Kaidan squirm, and bringing it to a point, probing past the tight ring, earns him a long, “Fuuuck.” Shepard almost needs to hold his hips still as he gets closer to coming. He’s both trying to fuck his own fist and push himself onto his mouth. John doesn’t want to make him choose, so he presses his mouth impossibly closer, licking him with more force, enjoying the spasm as Kaidan groans his name one last time, coming all over his chest.

He kisses the insides of his thighs, the muscles trembling beneath his mouth, and Kaidan strokes his hair, sighing and shaking through the last of his orgasm. Once he’s still, he kisses his way back up his torso, landing on his throat. Kaidan hums, guiding his chin to kiss him, a deep, slow mingling of their tongues.

He should let him go, encourage him to go back to his own bunk to sleep. They should maintain the image of propriety, at very least. But he just ate his subordinate out, and he’s licking a stripe of come—he’s not sure whose—off his nipple, so the rules of what should and shouldn’t be don’t seem to apply, “Stay here,” he says, Kaidan shuddering when he bites the hard nub, “If you want to,” he adds. It’s a weak balm to his conscience, but he feels less like a predator if he can insist to himself that Kaidan has freely given everything he’s taken.

“Of course I want to stay,” he says, wrapping his arms tightly around his torso and pulling him close. Shepard reaches for a blanket, covering the two of them up and resting his head on the pillow next to him.

“Good,” he says into the side of his neck, trying to relax and enjoying the feeling of falling asleep in someone’s arms for the first time in recent memory.


End file.
